THE LIES WE TELL ourselves only set us behind. They steal from us the future we could have if we would only wake up and see what was standing right there in front of us. Why hadn’t I seen it sooner? That it was more than just a dream? More than just something I would long for but never have?
And what new lies would I tell myself to justify never taking a chance?
I kept telling myself my current life was comfortable. That it was normal. That what I truly desired was a fantasy. Only something found in fairy tales.
But those were lies.
I saw that now. I couldn’t keep pretending that I had it all when in reality I felt nothing. That moment you discover what you’ve been missing changes your whole life. You are never the same no matter how much you try to make it work. Not because it’s impossible, but because it makes everything harder, and if you don’t have a strong enough connection to begin with, the true desire to make it work won’t be there.
I tried so hard to believe in the lies. And for a while, I had. But they only get you so far. It was wrong that I had let it get that far. It was wrong that I had tried to convince myself—and him—that everything was fine when I knew deep down in my soul that it wasn’t.
But what’s worse is when even he’s not deceived.
***
I sank back against the pillow and clamped my eyes shut as soft lips brushed urgently over my neck and a hand at the back of my thigh eased my leg up. Wasn’t I supposed to feel something? Wasn’t I supposed to feel good? Instead it felt all wrong. I had tried. I tried to make myself feel the things I thought I was supposed to feel. But it wasn’t working.
“Burke, stop,” I said, trying to move my neck out of his reach.
He lifted his head and gazed down at me, looking concerned as he bit his lower lip.
“I can’t.”
“Okay,” he said softly, rubbing his hand over my thigh. “We’ll wait longer.”
“No, I can’t do this,” I said, brushing his hand away as I sat up. “It’s over.”
His eyes narrowed as he stared at me. “You’re breaking up with me?”
I wrapped my arms around my knees. “I’m sorry.” I could feel his stare on me. I could feel his disappointment. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. But how could I keep leading him on?
He sat up and turned away, resting his elbows on his thighs and bowing his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
He blew out a heavy breath as he lowered his arms back down and then turned his head to look at me. “This is about that guy, isn’t it?”
I shook my head but said nothing as I stared at the comforter.
“Tessa, come on,” he said, his voice louder. He eyed me for a moment and then asked, “Are you serious?”
“It’s not what you—”
He huffed as he shook his head and stood up. “I can’t believe this. You know nothing about him and you think you have some connection with him? Have you been seeing him behind my back?”
I shook my head. “It’s not like that at all. I just—”
“You, what?” His voice was getting louder and colder.
I swallowed hard. “I don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I can’t keep pretending...” The second after the word came out, I cursed under my breath. I hadn’t meant to say that. I hadn’t even meant to break up with him; it just happened. I didn’t even really know what I was planning to say.
His eyebrows lifted. “Pretending?” he asked flatly.
I sighed as I pressed my trembling hand to my forehead. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“No, go right ahead. I want to hear what you really mean.”
“Burke, please,” I pleaded. “Just leave.”
“Not until you tell me the truth.”
I closed my eyes. Why was it so hard for him to take a hint? Teen couples broke up all the time. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. How could he be so attached?
“You have feelings for him, don’t you?”
I shook my head again. “I told you. It’s not like that.”
He half-laughed. “Yeah, right.”
This time, he walked across the room. Before he reached the door, it opened and my dad appeared. “Everything all right in here?”
“I was just leaving,” Burke replied, brushing past him into the hallway.
My dad glanced at me and then followed him. A few minutes later, he appeared at the door again. “He’s gone,” he said, walking across the room.
When he sat down on the bed, I threw my arms around him and sobbed into his chest.
He tightened his arms around me as he rested his chin on the top of my head. He used to tell me he wished my mom were still alive because she always knew the right things to say, but she had been gone for ten years. She wasn’t coming back. And for a while he would say raising a daughter on his own was hard because God had given him a soft heart.
But now, he said nothing. And that was better. He just held me because he knew words didn’t matter.
Sniffling, I sat back and wiped the tears from my eyes.
He reached over and brushed my hair from my face as he gave me a sad smile.
I swallowed hard and then sighed. “How did you know Mom was the one?”
His smile widened and his eyes sparkled at the mention of her. “I just looked into her eyes and I knew.”
“Did you feel anything?”
He nodded. “Everything,” he said, his voice hushed.
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
He looked thoughtful for a brief moment as his gaze shifted toward the floor. When he turned back to me, he shrugged. “Love doesn’t make sense. It’s just something you feel.”
“And if you don’t feel anything?” I asked.
He shrugged again.
“What if you had made a mistake?”
“Nothing in life is a mistake.”
“But if you didn’t feel anything...”
“You can teach yourself to feel things. Maybe it’s not as easy. Or maybe it’s just as hard. Building a relationship is hard no matter what.”
I sighed. I could feel his eyes on me, studying me.
“Is this about that boy Burke was talking about?”
I grimaced as I covered my eyes with a hand. “You heard?”
“You can’t hide anything from your father.” He sighed again. “You are too young to be involved in a love triangle.”
“But I—”
“Besides, they’re unfair to everyone involved.”
“Dad, I broke it off. With Burke.”
“Oh.” Then his expression shifted to mild surprise. “Oh, that’s what he was mad about.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Tesni, you’re too young to even know what love is,” he said, reaching out and patting my arm. “Wait until you’re older.”
“But I felt things. With someone else.”
“With that boy?”
I nodded.
“How does he feel?”
“I don’t know,” I said, staring down at my hands. “I haven’t seen or talked to him since that dance workshop.”
“He goes to a different school?”
I nodded.
“And he hasn’t tried to make contact?”
I picked at a hangnail on my thumb as I shook my head. “He saw Burke and me arguing in the hallway after our dance.”
“I see,” he said. “Do you want to talk to him?”
“I think so.”
“So, we’ll go see him at his school in the morning.”
“But, Dad,” I said, shifting on the bed and turning fully to face him. “That’s crazy.”
He smiled. “Love is crazy.”
